leprechaun @$$

it's that time of year again! when edible leprechaun a$$ can be found on supermarket shelves across america!

who knew leprechauns tasted like delicious coconut, corn syrup, and chocolate?  mmmm the 3 main "C's" in my diet...

in other random observations, i saw a guy wearing a "johnson college" t-shirt today.  has anyone heard of this school?  does anyone know anything about it?  why don't they just call it "dick school"?

in even more random news, i mentioned that i signed up for a wax... no joke, i decided to spend a few minutes during my lunch break to look up how long a wax treatment should last, which bought me to a wikipedia article.  oh, naughty, devious wikipedia.  you will get me fired.  WHY OH WHY did you think i wanted to know about BIKINI WAXES?!  all i know is... i innocently clicked a link to what i thought would answer my questions about getting waxed, but NO!  my innocent eyes were traumatized by images of ladies in... various states of... naked girl parts!  how am i supposed to explain to human resources?  using company time to find naughty wikipedia articles.  egads. 

lesson for everyone: be careful what you google during your lunch break.  and if you can't resist, be sure the chatty cathy with the periscope is nowhere to be found.

no. i am not a masochist.

i assure you all torture mentioned below is self-inflicted.  and for the greater good.  so friends, when it rain, it pours... anytime i suffer through life's fun trials and tribulations, i either let myself go, or i get serious about self-improvements.  and i don't mean reading self-help books or seeing a therapist.  no... i don't put myself through the things some guys may put themselves through... like... drinking too much...

or crying about it (not that there's anything wrong with that)...

or put myself through some kind of lame/nuts self-torture such as self-flagellation like one of these guys.

no.  i choose a whole different and exciting method.  instead, i decide to make myself into THE ULTIMATE WELL-ROUNDED WOMAN!  i choose to learn new skills which were previously neglected.  like... acting like a girl.  or sexy lady type.  with this mindset, i signed up for my first waxing.

enrolled in a skanky dance "fitness class" (i plan to learn this maneuver in the first class)...

and learning to walk in these...

and perhaps most terrifying/troublesome of all... i have purchased this:

without owning one of these:

ahhhh yes, i feel like a more complete woman already.

lesson for guys: if we date, i will use NONE of the new skills i've acquired with you.  suck it.  after all... i'm doing this for me.  not you.

i have a feeling you're not kidding.

i mentioned that i was dating a legitimately nice, cute, sweet, funny guy, right?  it's true.  why is it when you're dating someone, you suddenly become a hot(ter) commodity?  is it because i'm "glowing"?  please, amigo, i always effing glow.  is it because they figure if i'm with someone, then i must be good enough to date?  please, compadre, i'm always effing awesome.  regardless, when i was dating mr. nice guy, some serious trolls came out of the woodwork.  and i wish i meant that figuratively.  these guys seriously crawled out from under bridges.  one of them tried to persuade me with horrible Z100 hip hop lyrics that he would be better for me than mr. nice guy, be able to do things for me that mr. nice guy couldn't, treat me better, make me feel like "more of a woman" (his words, not mine).  i'm not whitney houston, guy.  i don't need to be EVERY woman.  unless of course by making me feel like "more of a woman", you mean give me chlamydia.  oh wait, yes... yes... i will date you in all of your horribleness from the fact that you hit on everything with boobies (i swear his list of potential conquests would even include fat enough men), always have food in your teeth (which you are apparently too cool to brush more than once every 4 months), your derogatory references every woman in the known universe.  ohhh and the fact that you live with your girlfriend and have enough children to invade (and conquer) the ukraine... yes.  yes, i will break up with my mr. nice guy, and date you.  why?  because i looooove me a nasty man crap shoot.  sign me up.

lesson to guys: sweet mother of croutons, stop.  bonus lesson: if you use the phrase "dem titties" or "deez titties" or even "doze titties" (i can not even begin to imagine how to spell that) in seriousness, i will NOT take you seriously.  ever.

it's not you.

oh dear.  today while i was walking home, i saw a "dude" walking a very cute little puppy.  i couldn't help myself.  i said: "hello puppy!".  the dude turned to me with an insipid smile and said: "well, helloooooo".  sigh.  he thought i had said "hello, papi".

lesson for guys: papis are NEVER cuter than puppies.

bonus.

as a bonus/apology for not posting in so long... i hope to get a letter like this someday.  sigh.

it's you, baby, it's you.

hello everyone... i have been MIA for so long because i had a good boyfriend.  we broke up for a legitimate reason, but remained so very close... close to the point that perhaps i thought a reunion may happen someday.  perhaps after i destroyed my bucket list.  or became the bearded lady in the circus.  or perhaps catch a leprechaun and teach him to make me white russians.  alas... i have been given the brush-off.  for the next ten years.  i kid you not, my friends.  talk about a burn.  times infinity.  the only thing that could make this worse?  if he delivers this cake to my door.  so while i'm not dating right now, you can expect more posts soon down the road as i dig into the deep recesses of my cobwebbed, addled brain for more remarkable stories.  yeeeeehaw!

lesson to guys: assuring a girl that she will still not be right for you in ten years does not ease the sting of a break-up.

making some tough decisions.

sometimes, i feel evil.  much like this little girl has been telling me what to do, or inspiring me.

 

but then i realize maybe i'm over-reacting.  maybe i'm being over-dramatic.

 

this is why i've been so MIA.  i've reached a crossroads.  a touch decision...

the thing with that guy?  still going well.  i'm sure i'll have more stories to come... my apologies to those of you who were faithfully checking this page when it was more active.  but ladies and gents... c'mooooon.  i live in new york city!  land of eating out, museums, and THIS GUY!

i'll be back.  oh yes.  i'll be back...