i have a feeling you're not kidding.

i mentioned that i was dating a legitimately nice, cute, sweet, funny guy, right?  it's true.  why is it when you're dating someone, you suddenly become a hot(ter) commodity?  is it because i'm "glowing"?  please, amigo, i always effing glow.  is it because they figure if i'm with someone, then i must be good enough to date?  please, compadre, i'm always effing awesome.  regardless, when i was dating mr. nice guy, some serious trolls came out of the woodwork.  and i wish i meant that figuratively.  these guys seriously crawled out from under bridges.  one of them tried to persuade me with horrible Z100 hip hop lyrics that he would be better for me than mr. nice guy, be able to do things for me that mr. nice guy couldn't, treat me better, make me feel like "more of a woman" (his words, not mine).  i'm not whitney houston, guy.  i don't need to be EVERY woman.  unless of course by making me feel like "more of a woman", you mean give me chlamydia.  oh wait, yes... yes... i will date you in all of your horribleness from the fact that you hit on everything with boobies (i swear his list of potential conquests would even include fat enough men), always have food in your teeth (which you are apparently too cool to brush more than once every 4 months), your derogatory references every woman in the known universe.  ohhh and the fact that you live with your girlfriend and have enough children to invade (and conquer) the ukraine... yes.  yes, i will break up with my mr. nice guy, and date you.  why?  because i looooove me a nasty man crap shoot.  sign me up.

lesson to guys: sweet mother of croutons, stop.  bonus lesson: if you use the phrase "dem titties" or "deez titties" or even "doze titties" (i can not even begin to imagine how to spell that) in seriousness, i will NOT take you seriously.  ever.

it's not you.

oh dear.  today while i was walking home, i saw a "dude" walking a very cute little puppy.  i couldn't help myself.  i said: "hello puppy!".  the dude turned to me with an insipid smile and said: "well, helloooooo".  sigh.  he thought i had said "hello, papi".

lesson for guys: papis are NEVER cuter than puppies.

bonus.

as a bonus/apology for not posting in so long... i hope to get a letter like this someday.  sigh.

it's you, baby, it's you.

hello everyone... i have been MIA for so long because i had a good boyfriend.  we broke up for a legitimate reason, but remained so very close... close to the point that perhaps i thought a reunion may happen someday.  perhaps after i destroyed my bucket list.  or became the bearded lady in the circus.  or perhaps catch a leprechaun and teach him to make me white russians.  alas... i have been given the brush-off.  for the next ten years.  i kid you not, my friends.  talk about a burn.  times infinity.  the only thing that could make this worse?  if he delivers this cake to my door.  so while i'm not dating right now, you can expect more posts soon down the road as i dig into the deep recesses of my cobwebbed, addled brain for more remarkable stories.  yeeeeehaw!

lesson to guys: assuring a girl that she will still not be right for you in ten years does not ease the sting of a break-up.

making some tough decisions.

sometimes, i feel evil.  much like this little girl has been telling me what to do, or inspiring me.

 

but then i realize maybe i'm over-reacting.  maybe i'm being over-dramatic.

 

this is why i've been so MIA.  i've reached a crossroads.  a touch decision...

the thing with that guy?  still going well.  i'm sure i'll have more stories to come... my apologies to those of you who were faithfully checking this page when it was more active.  but ladies and gents... c'mooooon.  i live in new york city!  land of eating out, museums, and THIS GUY!

i'll be back.  oh yes.  i'll be back...

you are easily amused.

i try to tell guys... that girl you're seeing?  with the fake eyebrows and crazy makeup?  she won't look that pretty in the morning.  but they never listen.  i try to tell them they are in for a nasty surprise.  a NASTY surprise.

and still they don't listen.  men can be such pigs.

or perhaps they're just oblivious nerds.

or perhaps they're just easily amused.

one this is for sure... most of them don't like a challenge.  many of them are downright lazy.

but i am seeing someone now.  i have not given up hope.  wish me luck.  if my luck continues to be bad, one of two things will happen... i'll either turn into a banshee:

or a rebel granny:

cross your fingers for me...

great news!

i found a new boyfriend!  he's super dreamy and takes me to do all the things i like to do.  

lesson to guys: stop it.  this is never a good idea.  ever.