don't let it happen to you!

to the ladies - i know that at times you may think that all of my brushes with near sweetness and romance may have made me bitter and jaded.  it would be easy for me to stop believing in love, or fate, or common sense... or testosterone.  or high iqs.  but have no fear!  i have not (totally) lost faith.  i consider it a challenge.  one day i will meet a man who is around my age, intelligent, sweet, funny, single, and stable.  perhaps i would have better luck trying to find mr. t riding a unicorn or catching kate moss gorging herself on caramel cadbury eggs.  or maybe even finding out that dick cheney has pictures of fuzzy, cuddly kittens hanging in his bathroom.  but i will not give up!  i will not become bitter!  i will DARE TO DREAM!  because we all know... a dream is a wish your heaaaaart maaaaaaaaaakes... when you're fast asleeeeeeeeeep... wish me luck though, because if i keep up with this hot streak that i'm on, i may end up like this lady.

i'm a loner, dottie. a rebel.

ladies: let's be honest.  we've all had someone at some point that offers advice about how we should look, act of speak.  how often has that "advice" been solicited?  in my universe, more often that not, the advice is not only unsolicited, it is unwanted, unwelcome, and unwarranted.  i don't even care if i'm being redundant and overusing commas, they all apply.  well-meaning boyfriends have sagely advised me that i'd be more feminine if i let my nails or hair grow longer, or wore work clothes (aka dresses) all the time.  even on weekends.  to watch sports.  guys who weren't boyfriends have also regaled me with heartening tips such as HOW to wear my hair, don't curse, wear heels more, laugh more quietly, get a more girly purse (i am not making this up).  well-meaning family have also made comments such as: "wow, really?  you're eating another banana?"  and  "you'd look so much nicer if you... (fill in a number of things here)".  really, people?  to everyone who has been through the same thing, i encourage you to tell your antagonist to "suck it".  be a rebel.  bite your nails while wearing a potato sack and creepers.  eat a deep-fried chocolate pudding pop while cursing like a trucker.  shave your head and become a garbageman.  whatever makes you happy?  go for it.

that makes me feel special.

my next adventure made me feel as special as receiving this cake would.  my next story is about a would be casanova (who will go by "rico suave" after this), who went to great lengths to make his womens feel special.  once, i was the lucky girl who was the focus of his attention.  his attention may have only lasted 15 or 20 minutes, but it will live in my memory forever.  rico suave was trying to convince me to spend some alone time with him before i went away for vacation. "but baby, i'll miss you... i love you..." his proclamations puzzled me since i knew he lived with his girlfriend.  when i asked him about his situation at home, rico suave had a quick comeback: "is that a problem?"  i responded that yes, in fact, that really didn't work for me.  he said: "i want you to meet her when you get back..." i racked my brain to try to figure out who he was talking about.  i asked: "who do you want me to meet?  your girlfriend?!" after he nodded to confirm, i wondered out loud, "um.  this may be a stupid question, but are you kidding?  somehow i don't think she'll want to meet me- does she know you consistently try to date me?"  rico suave said: "baby, it's okay.  i told her you were a lesbian".

lesson for guys: girls are not as stupid as you hope they are.  (this is an important one.  you may want to repeat it like a mantra.)

death, taxes, and...

it never fails... the things in life i can rely on include: death, taxes, and for the guys that hit on me to initially appear normal... only to find something horribly wrong on slightly closer inspection.

lesson for guys: don't wear anything that makes you look like one of evil santa's helpers.

paula deen is disgusting.

bonus link for people who dislike paula deen as much as i do:

http://www.theb9.com/topic/itt-paula-deen-riding-things-posted-on-theB9-board

reason #592 why i'm destined to become a cat lady.

ohhhhhh, facebook.  proving in brand NEW ways how stupid some people are.  i have a friend... we'll call this one "otto oblivious", who may have an addiction to facebook.  the guy continually updates facebook throughout the day, all day.  it's a wonder he's able to sleep, eat, work, etc.  i'm starting to wonder if he stops for the bathroom.  i digress... he went to great lengths to tell me how "special" i was to him on a number of occasions.  i was a little dubious, but took the compliment with as much grace as i could every time.  i finally logged into facebook for the first time in a while, and found that he had posted very similar messages to about 5 or 6 other girls.  and that?  is not so special.

lesson for guys: you can't make a girl feel special by treating her like everyone else.

that WOULD be sweet. if it weren't so creepy.

i remember fondly how awkward one guy from my past was when it came to trying to pay a compliment.  we'll call him "monsieur abrasive".  i got the impression that monsieur abrasive didn't pay a lot of compliments - he was more accustomed to being brutally honest.  he told me once that he liked me so much he wanted to "put me up high on a shelf and cover me so that nobody else could ever have me or talk to me".  ummmm... thanks.

lesson for guys: no girl wants to be trapped where she can't eat.  or pee.

sidebar: now that's a REAL woman.

imagine any tough guy you know meeting this chick.  she catches a fish bigger than your whole person, let alone the puny fish you caught.  and she did it while wearing a dress and heels.  the guy probably wouldn't know what to do with her.  what do you think?  how would they react to meeting ms. old-timey?  me personally - i think i'd be scared.  and then overwhelmed with awesomeness.

nope, that's NOT okay to say.

i've had a lot of things said to me as i'm walking down the street.  some good.  some not so good.  some downright bad.  some funny.  some that made no sense at all.  i want to break it down for guys which things are acceptable, and which things are not... ladies... anyone want to chime in and add to this list?  side note: part of me wants to hang out with the super-nerd in this picture...

ACCEPTABLE:
-LORD, have mercy!
-I love you! (this was said to me in a non-english country, so the effort was cute.  this is not acceptable in english-speaking countries)
-"Buenas!" (with a sweet smile)

BORDERLINE:
-hey, mami!

NOT ACCEPTABLE:
-kissing or "psst" noises
-sending songs with the line "tonight it's YOU i'm loving"
-oh baby, you got all that jelly, and me with no bread!

home is where YOU are, baby.

i was working with "le cafard" for a few months before i finally figured out he had been trying to get me to date him.  i thought he had been kidding, but apparently all his "romantic suggestions" were serious.  i found out that le cafard had a reputation for seeing multiple women, hitting on women he wasn't seeing (any and all women - age, size, and nationality is not a factor), and frequenting strip clubs.  soon after all of these (not so startling) revelations, he tried to get me to move in with him.  "oh, cafard... i really just think it wouldn't work".  "well, why not?", he wanted to know.  "hmmm... maybe all those other womens, and the strippers?..." he perked up immediately, and i knew a gem was about to emerge from his mouth.  "baby that's no problem.  you KNOW i'd always come home to you!"

lesson for guys: no girl wants you to come straight home to them after you've been with misty and amber.

want to share?

 

want to share but don't want to comment with your name? 

*update: i've also enabled an "anonymous" option for comments.  enjoy!

vacation girlfriend.

thinking about my next story makes me feel as happy as the unfortunate kitty in this picture.  le cafard really outdid himself once.  he started babbling one day about his plans to buy a place in another country- a warm one.  and he planned to have a certain type of house, near the water, and with a yard, so it would be good for me!  "ohhhhh you'll love it", he said.  i hated to ruin the dreamy look in his eyes by asking: "wait, i'm going to be there"?  "well yeah", he said.  i almost felt obtuse asking "ummm... how's your girlfriend going to feel about this?"  he looked at me like i told him 2+2 = infinity.  "psssht no.  she's not coming.  she'll stay here.  you'll be there, you'll take care of my vacation home.  you'll be like my vacation girlfriend".  for once, i was at a loss for words.

lesson for guys: no girl wants to be the "vacation girlfriend".

i got $3.95 that says you'll put out.

remarkably, i haven't had much luck dating in this city.  it's actually really hard to meet people sometimes, even when you're surrounded by them.  when a guy followed me down the train platform, i ignored him like i always would.  but this one (we'll call him "captain confident") was persistent.  he asked me if i lived around here, what i was up to, how my weekend had been.  i ignored some of the questions, but coyly answered a few others.  he seemed relatively harmless in a somewhat chubby, short, nerdy kind of way.  he walked with me about 10 blocks, making somewhat sad small talk.  finally, he admitted that he'd walked 10 blocks out of his way in the rain just to talk to me.  i was somewhat flattered, so when captain confident offered me his number and said "that way, you can call or text if you want to, but don't have to give me your number right away if you don't want to"... i took it.  my inner voice was crying "YOU FOOL", but i squashed it into silence with a sugar coma induced by a nutella and banana sandwich.

a couple weeks and 3 beers later, i decided to text captain confident.  we sent a few messages back and forth during the week.  on sunday, he asked if i wanted to meet for watermelon icees.  it was hotter than the inside of a hot pocket outside, and i figured he couldn't incur full creepyness in full daylight on a sunday.  oh, how i was wrong...

we met outside the predetermined icee place, and exchange a few, awkward greetings before heading inside.  after purchasing the watermelon icees (which were admittedly delicious), he suggested we go for a walk.  not two seconds after we set foot into the boiling lava hot sunlight, he tried to kiss me.  not a sweet kiss.  not a kiss on the cheek.  he was going in for a nasty smacker right on the piehole.  it happened in slow motion, and i swear i saw my life flash before my eyes.  i said, "i'm sorry.  this isn't going to work for me.  i forgot the thing... i have something... yeah.  i have to go home now."  i couldn't even make up an excuse.  but i did drink my watermelon icee on my walk home.

lesson for guys: buying a girl a watermelon icee does not mean she will put out for you.

'nuff said.

you look like you could use a hammer.

it's as unnatural as this strawberry.

a guy at work (we'll call him "toolbox") texted me, saying: "you need a hammer"?  i felt like i shouldn't respond, but couldn't resist.  "ummm... why?", i asked.  "no, i meant for work, do you need a hammer?".  i actually did, so i wrote back saying that i would definitely like one, if he was ordering.

the next day toolbox showed up with a hammer for me and a box of donut holes for one of the other girls in the office.  apparently, i look like a girl who could use a hammer.  other girls look like they could use delicious fried cake.

lesson for guys: no girl wants to feel like she looks like she "needs a hammer" more than delicious fried cake, smothered in sugar.

ding dong v. mr. smooth

le cafard looked around and saw ding dong near by.  midgie smalls, always intimidated and/or suspicious of other males in a 5 mile radius planned his moves carefully.  he snuck up behind me, and wrapped his arms around me in a giant bear hug, lifting me off the ground.

ding dong pouted and walked away.  i am now receiving the silent treatment from ding dong.

lesson for guys: do not take the actions of other annoying dudes out on the female receiver of those actions.

i'm just a helpful kind of girl.

today's fond memory from a few years ago is as strange as the photo above.  another acquaintance (referred to as "jerk mcgirk" hereafter) recently reunited with an ex, and made it very public knowledge.  we went on a few dates in the past, but it had been over for some time.  while preparing to write a stimulating lab report about fruit flies, he showed up at my apartment one night, saying he wanted to visit for a bit.  i had a very good and yet disturbing vision in my head of what his "visits" may possibly entail, and blocked the door with my arm.  "don't you have to go home to your girlfriend?", i asked.  jerk mcgirk got a sweet smile on his face and pitched his best line, which oozed like a pile of slimy okra.  "but baby... spending some time with you makes it easier for me to go home to her".  i'm taking donations of sympathy cards and flowers for the lucky girlfriend.

lesson for guys: girls don't usually like being the other woman, let alone the "few minutes" other woman.

nobody else likes you.

i have known someone (we'll call him "ding dong") for about a year.  background: ding dong considers himself to be a black belt in hitting on the womens.  a modern day casanova.  a black belt in making the ladies faint with ecstasy.  oh, and he's married with kids.  he waved me over, and i knew within seconds that today was finally my lucky day to be wooed by this sweet-talking panties melter.  "hey..." he said.  he licked his lips and nodded at me.  "so uh... me and the wife are talking about getting separated, so i'm practically single.  none of the other guys here think you're attractive, so... want to hang out sometime?  you can make me breakfast this weekend".

i had to brace myself to avoid swooning, and it wasn't because his sweet talk had swept me off my feet.  it was because i realized he wasn't kidding.  i waited at least a full minute with my mouth open, waiting for an explanation.  none came.  i finally said "i'm sorry... was that a compliment"?

"yeah.  i just wanted you to know i have no competition," said ding dong.

sigh.

lesson for guys: telling a girl that nobody thinks she's attractive is NOT a compliment.

hello.

have you ever experienced that awkward moment where you realize a guy has made an attempt at what he thinks is a compliment... but in actuality is horribly offensive?  or funny?  it seems i have more of these as i get older, and i've been collecting them.  this is my attempt at sharing them.  for women: humorous.  for men: hopefully educational.