i have a feeling you're not kidding.

i mentioned that i was dating a legitimately nice, cute, sweet, funny guy, right?  it's true.  why is it when you're dating someone, you suddenly become a hot(ter) commodity?  is it because i'm "glowing"?  please, amigo, i always effing glow.  is it because they figure if i'm with someone, then i must be good enough to date?  please, compadre, i'm always effing awesome.  regardless, when i was dating mr. nice guy, some serious trolls came out of the woodwork.  and i wish i meant that figuratively.  these guys seriously crawled out from under bridges.  one of them tried to persuade me with horrible Z100 hip hop lyrics that he would be better for me than mr. nice guy, be able to do things for me that mr. nice guy couldn't, treat me better, make me feel like "more of a woman" (his words, not mine).  i'm not whitney houston, guy.  i don't need to be EVERY woman.  unless of course by making me feel like "more of a woman", you mean give me chlamydia.  oh wait, yes... yes... i will date you in all of your horribleness from the fact that you hit on everything with boobies (i swear his list of potential conquests would even include fat enough men), always have food in your teeth (which you are apparently too cool to brush more than once every 4 months), your derogatory references every woman in the known universe.  ohhh and the fact that you live with your girlfriend and have enough children to invade (and conquer) the ukraine... yes.  yes, i will break up with my mr. nice guy, and date you.  why?  because i looooove me a nasty man crap shoot.  sign me up.

lesson to guys: sweet mother of croutons, stop.  bonus lesson: if you use the phrase "dem titties" or "deez titties" or even "doze titties" (i can not even begin to imagine how to spell that) in seriousness, i will NOT take you seriously.  ever.