this is me, containing myself.

walking once again in sweaty, nasty gym clothes (don't judge me), i felt something behind me.  creeping.  hovering.  edging ever closer...

i had headphones in, but he persisted until i was forced to stop and talk to him at a traffic light.  it was as i suspected - a creepy dude.

he asked me one or two arbitrary questions, but in his defense, he didn't beat around the bush.  "so do you have a guy"?
"yes", i lied.
creepy dude: "well how close are you?"
me: "ummm pretty close, he's pretty awesome."
creepy dude: "yo, i could come between you two?"
me: "noooo... um, i don't think so.  he's a pretty good guy, i'm pretty happy with him.  good guys are hard to find."
creepy dude: "you just found one".
me: "siiiiiiiiiiiigh"

as he continued to speak, i had an image slowly edge its way into my mind.  he looked less like a man, and more like...

he was slimy and prickly at the same time.  based on prior experience, my guess is that he thought he was really smooth.  in reality, any woman with eye or ears would know he was about as smooth as one of these:

fact is, i'd rather wipe my nose with one of these than spend any more time around that guy.

lesson for guys:  NO!  STOP IT!  DOWN!  leave girls alone when they are wearing gym clothes and have both earphones in.  also, you are NOT a good guy when you volunteer to come between a girl and her guy.  even if he is fictional.  stop that, too.

laaaaaaaaame.

i can't make these things up.  i am either very, very blessed, or horribly cursed.  i was walking in a very congested area the other morning, and there was a lot of construction going on, both sides of the street.  where there is construction, there are generally construction workers (unless they're on union break, which leaves about a 30% chance of actually seeing a construction worker).  you may have noticed i've been a bit down on the dumps and hard on myself lately, and my inner narcissist thought: "well, as long as you're walking by construction workers, there's a chance one of them will say something that will boost your ego!" (even if it's from this guy)

 

i walked through a herd of about 20 or so construction workers, and all i got was "hey, not bad".  wow.  really?  that's all you've got?  it wasn't enough to give me an ego boost.  it certainly wasn't even enough for me to pretend to get indignant.  i've gotten better compliments from this guy:

lesson for (construction worker) guys: please... if you're going to say something, please make it lewd enough for me to get indignant or funny/ridiculous enough to make me laugh and/or give me an ego boost.  do your job, for crying out loud.  take some lessons.  isn't that in the construction worker job description????

heavy breathing does not turn me on.

oh, dear.  it seems some of you gentleman have been misinformed.  despite what other "dude" friends or possible pornos have told you, hearing the sound of you breathing heavily (borderline panting) behind me, does not... EVER... turns girls on.  while walking home today, i had headphones on, as always.  and more than likely, they were louder than they needed to be.  AND YET!  i still  heard the hombre walking a little too closely behind me.  mind you, i was walking from the gym, so i was a sweaty, gnarly mess.  and there's noooo excuse on this earth for the look i saw in his eyes.  when i heard "pssst pssst" "psst pssst" sandwiched by heavy, raspy breathing in between, i turned around to see a skinny little man staring intently at my caboose, i'm pretty sure i made a face like this:

you: creepy little youngish man.  you: no excuse for heaving and breathing while walking entirely too close for comfort.  it makes me think you need one of these:

it makes me picture you looking a whole lot more like this:

than like one of these (i included a variety, i have no idea what floats your boat):

lesson for guys: stop walking too close.  if i can feel you behind me without turning around?  you are TOO CLOSE.  stop breathing so heavily while you are walking behind me that i can hear you over my hot polka jams of the 60s and 70s, you are breathing TOO HEAVILY.  unless of course, you ARE asthmatic, weight over seven hundo, or have just finished the boston marathon.  in any or all of these cases, i will give you a free pass.  but only for the breathing part, you still can not walk too closely.  that's just annoying.

i have stupendous news.

there ARE still good people out there.

also good news.  i've made an important decision.  if i can't figure this whole guy thing out, i'm going to find this bear...

no lesson today.  just cogitate.