making some tough decisions.

sometimes, i feel evil.  much like this little girl has been telling me what to do, or inspiring me.

 

but then i realize maybe i'm over-reacting.  maybe i'm being over-dramatic.

 

this is why i've been so MIA.  i've reached a crossroads.  a touch decision...

the thing with that guy?  still going well.  i'm sure i'll have more stories to come... my apologies to those of you who were faithfully checking this page when it was more active.  but ladies and gents... c'mooooon.  i live in new york city!  land of eating out, museums, and THIS GUY!

i'll be back.  oh yes.  i'll be back...

you are easily amused.

i try to tell guys... that girl you're seeing?  with the fake eyebrows and crazy makeup?  she won't look that pretty in the morning.  but they never listen.  i try to tell them they are in for a nasty surprise.  a NASTY surprise.

and still they don't listen.  men can be such pigs.

or perhaps they're just oblivious nerds.

or perhaps they're just easily amused.

one this is for sure... most of them don't like a challenge.  many of them are downright lazy.

but i am seeing someone now.  i have not given up hope.  wish me luck.  if my luck continues to be bad, one of two things will happen... i'll either turn into a banshee:

or a rebel granny:

cross your fingers for me...

great news!

i found a new boyfriend!  he's super dreamy and takes me to do all the things i like to do.  

lesson to guys: stop it.  this is never a good idea.  ever.

bonus #2.

you will either find this hilarious or take it as proof that i need professional help.  i laughed so hard, i almost hurt myself: check it out

bonus.

why do we do this to ourselves?

sometimes i get frustrated, and start thinking EVERY guy is an ass.

 

ooooor maybe they're just all idiots.

then i get sad and overeat.

then i feel guilty and overexercise.

sometimes i think maybe i should get plastic surgery.

then i think... maybe i should pay attention to the signs around me.

and then i realize i'd be better off phoning a friend when i feel this way.

and maybe hanging this sign on my door as an added precaution.  i also plan to make myself one of these.  soon.

i don't know whether to punch him or me.

chitty chitty bang bang struck again today.  somehow i keep ending up trapped in a vehicle with this doofus.  and i STILL do not know how to tuck and roll, which would have come in handy since i was the passenger for once.  scanning through radio stations, my annoying friend stopped on that deep and cerebral song that includes the line: "apple bottom jeans"... which he started singing along to.  this was a painful experience alone, but then he decided to add frosting to the cupcake.  he dedicated the song.  to me.  he was lucky i didn't defenestrate him.  or do this.  i let that one slide, mostly because i was still half asleep.  besides, one hand was occupied with an enormous cup of coffee.  but later in the day, he slipped again.  this time, it was unforgivable.  my keys were making a jingling noise, and he compared me to a cow.  with a bell.  no woman in the history of women wants to be compared or even lumped in the same category as this.  or even this, for that matter.

lesson for guys: if i really have to tell you, you should probably move into a cave.  ready, set, go.

i want one with a "mute" button.

one of my coworkers (who i'll call "chatty chatty bang bang" going forward) talks too much.  he talks whether you respond or not.  about any topic that pops into his head.  there are no segue, no continuity, no moral, no beginning, middle, or end.  it's like hemingway meets joan rivers meets a drunk hobo.  i managed to tune out most of what he'd said one morning, but when he started talking about the topic of new apartments, i started to half listen.  i am looking for another apartment myself.  then he mentioned he was going to be getting two roommates.  then he started describing them in detail.  apparently one of them used to be thin, but had put on a lot of weight.  however, according to chatty chatty bang bang, the newly chubby roommate still wore his skinny clothes.  my thoughtful roommate proceeded to describe details about the roommate's figure so that i could picture its glory for myself.  he started by saying: "he's even got man boobs.  they're kind of big.  they're like... between yours and (insert female coworker's name here)".  

yikes.  i had to resist the urge to pull over, push him out, and proceed.  i decided that was probably against company policy, and once again found myself mourning the fact that i haven't mastered the tuck and roll.

guys: don't describe man boobs to a girl.  none of us want to picture that.  we also don't want you to openly acknowledge you've been ranking the tot size of your female coworkers.  yikes.

if only i knew how to tuck and roll.

(image taken from www.wins.failblog.org)

ohhhhh ladies.  have you ever been in a car with someone.  more specifically in a car with a man.  perhaps one who you had only spent time with once or twice before.  and perhaps it occurred after a long dating dry spell?  and also perhaps you were somewhat excited about this one?

allow your mind to wander with me and picture the following... a dashing, young, seemingly intelligent chap with a gloriously sarcastic sense of humor has asked you out for the third time in about a week.  this time is different though.  this... is a sober date.  in the daytime.

being that it's early enough in the relationship for the lad to at least feign being a gentleman, he even opens the door for you when he arrives to pick you up.  he's brought you a coffee, prepared the way you take it.  the last two dates have involved a few beers, small talk, jokes, and pleasantries at a nice enough bar in a place convenient to both of you.  

maybe it's because you're still half asleep.  or maybe you didn't pick up on clues during the other two dates that perhaps... this one... was also... a miglet (man piglet).  in any case, his permanent place in the annals of man pigdom fame are forever cemented when he made his next move.  a smile crept across his face.  he gave you a sidelong glance to be sure you were paying attention.  with one hand on the steering wheel and another on his ipod, an expression of great focus manifests.  then the smile becomes immense, almost like a jack o' lantern.  he set the ipod down and took your hand in his.  and then the music started...

"face down, $!@ up, this is the way we like to @#$&".  oh dear.  times like these make you wish you knew how to tuck and roll.  instead of going hiking, you go home.  but you keep the coffee.  good for you.

lesson for guys: no lady wants to be wooed by nasty booty jams.  especially on the third date.  during the day.  with no alcohol.

lesson for ladies: always carry one of these until you're sure what you're dealing with.  and just in case, you may want to study this.

to everyone: ignore my inconsistent use of tenses.  if it bothers you, please follow the advice in the picture at the top of this blog.

perhaps?

i've thought about it long and hard.  perhaps i'm being too tough on guys.  maybe i should just date the next guy that comes along.  even if it's this guy:

and then we'd have a terrific wedding:

maybe i should just make the best of a crappy situation?

 

even if it means choosing the lesser of 2 evils?

nahhhhhh.  forget that.  i'm holding out for a guy that amuses me at least half as much as this one:

that certain "je ne sais quoi".

 

ohhhhh, brad.  i truly... do not... understand what makes guys think things are okay, or even a GOOD idea sometimes.  just think... somewhere in the back of their brains, there's a little voice going: "yeah, yeah, say that, she'll like it... go for it, it's okay..."  this approval system needs some tweaking.  i know there are many kinds of women out there, but some things are never a good idea, regardless of the brand of lady.  the same guys with these faulty approval systems are probably the same ones that came up with those heeled shoes with the weird ankle cuffs on them like these and movies like this or this.

side note: have you also noticed most guys are easily fooled?  a lot of them are goofy for women with a lot of makeup; they can't comprehend that she MAY not look like that the morning after.  i tried to warn a guy friend once about a girl who tweezed her eyebrows and drew them in.  he didn't listen.  i can still hear the shrill scream from miles away at the terror he woke up to.  the awful look of constant surprise that comes from having no eyebrows, like some sort of terrible circus clown.

back to my original point... back on the kissing noise thing.  a guy drives by and makes kissy noises out the window at me.  it's only guys of a certain persuasion that do this.  will someone please, please explain it to me?  does that mean he wants to kiss me?  is he trying to suck popcorn kernals out of his teeth, and happens to be doing it while looking in my direction?  is he trying to call me over, like a horse?  be the watson to my sherlock holmes, and i'll give the person who can explain this phenomenon a shiny penny or an all expense paid trip to their nearest grocery store.  help me out.    

lesson for guys: especially for those of you that are so smart - stop acting stupid.

don't let it happen to you!

to the ladies - i know that at times you may think that all of my brushes with near sweetness and romance may have made me bitter and jaded.  it would be easy for me to stop believing in love, or fate, or common sense... or testosterone.  or high iqs.  but have no fear!  i have not (totally) lost faith.  i consider it a challenge.  one day i will meet a man who is around my age, intelligent, sweet, funny, single, and stable.  perhaps i would have better luck trying to find mr. t riding a unicorn or catching kate moss gorging herself on caramel cadbury eggs.  or maybe even finding out that dick cheney has pictures of fuzzy, cuddly kittens hanging in his bathroom.  but i will not give up!  i will not become bitter!  i will DARE TO DREAM!  because we all know... a dream is a wish your heaaaaart maaaaaaaaaakes... when you're fast asleeeeeeeeeep... wish me luck though, because if i keep up with this hot streak that i'm on, i may end up like this lady.

i'm a loner, dottie. a rebel.

ladies: let's be honest.  we've all had someone at some point that offers advice about how we should look, act of speak.  how often has that "advice" been solicited?  in my universe, more often that not, the advice is not only unsolicited, it is unwanted, unwelcome, and unwarranted.  i don't even care if i'm being redundant and overusing commas, they all apply.  well-meaning boyfriends have sagely advised me that i'd be more feminine if i let my nails or hair grow longer, or wore work clothes (aka dresses) all the time.  even on weekends.  to watch sports.  guys who weren't boyfriends have also regaled me with heartening tips such as HOW to wear my hair, don't curse, wear heels more, laugh more quietly, get a more girly purse (i am not making this up).  well-meaning family have also made comments such as: "wow, really?  you're eating another banana?"  and  "you'd look so much nicer if you... (fill in a number of things here)".  really, people?  to everyone who has been through the same thing, i encourage you to tell your antagonist to "suck it".  be a rebel.  bite your nails while wearing a potato sack and creepers.  eat a deep-fried chocolate pudding pop while cursing like a trucker.  shave your head and become a garbageman.  whatever makes you happy?  go for it.

that makes me feel special.

my next adventure made me feel as special as receiving this cake would.  my next story is about a would be casanova (who will go by "rico suave" after this), who went to great lengths to make his womens feel special.  once, i was the lucky girl who was the focus of his attention.  his attention may have only lasted 15 or 20 minutes, but it will live in my memory forever.  rico suave was trying to convince me to spend some alone time with him before i went away for vacation. "but baby, i'll miss you... i love you..." his proclamations puzzled me since i knew he lived with his girlfriend.  when i asked him about his situation at home, rico suave had a quick comeback: "is that a problem?"  i responded that yes, in fact, that really didn't work for me.  he said: "i want you to meet her when you get back..." i racked my brain to try to figure out who he was talking about.  i asked: "who do you want me to meet?  your girlfriend?!" after he nodded to confirm, i wondered out loud, "um.  this may be a stupid question, but are you kidding?  somehow i don't think she'll want to meet me- does she know you consistently try to date me?"  rico suave said: "baby, it's okay.  i told her you were a lesbian".

lesson for guys: girls are not as stupid as you hope they are.  (this is an important one.  you may want to repeat it like a mantra.)

death, taxes, and...

it never fails... the things in life i can rely on include: death, taxes, and for the guys that hit on me to initially appear normal... only to find something horribly wrong on slightly closer inspection.

lesson for guys: don't wear anything that makes you look like one of evil santa's helpers.

paula deen is disgusting.

bonus link for people who dislike paula deen as much as i do:

http://www.theb9.com/topic/itt-paula-deen-riding-things-posted-on-theB9-board

reason #592 why i'm destined to become a cat lady.

ohhhhhh, facebook.  proving in brand NEW ways how stupid some people are.  i have a friend... we'll call this one "otto oblivious", who may have an addiction to facebook.  the guy continually updates facebook throughout the day, all day.  it's a wonder he's able to sleep, eat, work, etc.  i'm starting to wonder if he stops for the bathroom.  i digress... he went to great lengths to tell me how "special" i was to him on a number of occasions.  i was a little dubious, but took the compliment with as much grace as i could every time.  i finally logged into facebook for the first time in a while, and found that he had posted very similar messages to about 5 or 6 other girls.  and that?  is not so special.

lesson for guys: you can't make a girl feel special by treating her like everyone else.

that WOULD be sweet. if it weren't so creepy.

i remember fondly how awkward one guy from my past was when it came to trying to pay a compliment.  we'll call him "monsieur abrasive".  i got the impression that monsieur abrasive didn't pay a lot of compliments - he was more accustomed to being brutally honest.  he told me once that he liked me so much he wanted to "put me up high on a shelf and cover me so that nobody else could ever have me or talk to me".  ummmm... thanks.

lesson for guys: no girl wants to be trapped where she can't eat.  or pee.

sidebar: now that's a REAL woman.

imagine any tough guy you know meeting this chick.  she catches a fish bigger than your whole person, let alone the puny fish you caught.  and she did it while wearing a dress and heels.  the guy probably wouldn't know what to do with her.  what do you think?  how would they react to meeting ms. old-timey?  me personally - i think i'd be scared.  and then overwhelmed with awesomeness.

nope, that's NOT okay to say.

i've had a lot of things said to me as i'm walking down the street.  some good.  some not so good.  some downright bad.  some funny.  some that made no sense at all.  i want to break it down for guys which things are acceptable, and which things are not... ladies... anyone want to chime in and add to this list?  side note: part of me wants to hang out with the super-nerd in this picture...

ACCEPTABLE:
-LORD, have mercy!
-I love you! (this was said to me in a non-english country, so the effort was cute.  this is not acceptable in english-speaking countries)
-"Buenas!" (with a sweet smile)

BORDERLINE:
-hey, mami!

NOT ACCEPTABLE:
-kissing or "psst" noises
-sending songs with the line "tonight it's YOU i'm loving"
-oh baby, you got all that jelly, and me with no bread!

home is where YOU are, baby.

i was working with "le cafard" for a few months before i finally figured out he had been trying to get me to date him.  i thought he had been kidding, but apparently all his "romantic suggestions" were serious.  i found out that le cafard had a reputation for seeing multiple women, hitting on women he wasn't seeing (any and all women - age, size, and nationality is not a factor), and frequenting strip clubs.  soon after all of these (not so startling) revelations, he tried to get me to move in with him.  "oh, cafard... i really just think it wouldn't work".  "well, why not?", he wanted to know.  "hmmm... maybe all those other womens, and the strippers?..." he perked up immediately, and i knew a gem was about to emerge from his mouth.  "baby that's no problem.  you KNOW i'd always come home to you!"

lesson for guys: no girl wants you to come straight home to them after you've been with misty and amber.

want to share?

 

want to share but don't want to comment with your name? 

*update: i've also enabled an "anonymous" option for comments.  enjoy!

vacation girlfriend.

thinking about my next story makes me feel as happy as the unfortunate kitty in this picture.  le cafard really outdid himself once.  he started babbling one day about his plans to buy a place in another country- a warm one.  and he planned to have a certain type of house, near the water, and with a yard, so it would be good for me!  "ohhhhh you'll love it", he said.  i hated to ruin the dreamy look in his eyes by asking: "wait, i'm going to be there"?  "well yeah", he said.  i almost felt obtuse asking "ummm... how's your girlfriend going to feel about this?"  he looked at me like i told him 2+2 = infinity.  "psssht no.  she's not coming.  she'll stay here.  you'll be there, you'll take care of my vacation home.  you'll be like my vacation girlfriend".  for once, i was at a loss for words.

lesson for guys: no girl wants to be the "vacation girlfriend".

i got $3.95 that says you'll put out.

remarkably, i haven't had much luck dating in this city.  it's actually really hard to meet people sometimes, even when you're surrounded by them.  when a guy followed me down the train platform, i ignored him like i always would.  but this one (we'll call him "captain confident") was persistent.  he asked me if i lived around here, what i was up to, how my weekend had been.  i ignored some of the questions, but coyly answered a few others.  he seemed relatively harmless in a somewhat chubby, short, nerdy kind of way.  he walked with me about 10 blocks, making somewhat sad small talk.  finally, he admitted that he'd walked 10 blocks out of his way in the rain just to talk to me.  i was somewhat flattered, so when captain confident offered me his number and said "that way, you can call or text if you want to, but don't have to give me your number right away if you don't want to"... i took it.  my inner voice was crying "YOU FOOL", but i squashed it into silence with a sugar coma induced by a nutella and banana sandwich.

a couple weeks and 3 beers later, i decided to text captain confident.  we sent a few messages back and forth during the week.  on sunday, he asked if i wanted to meet for watermelon icees.  it was hotter than the inside of a hot pocket outside, and i figured he couldn't incur full creepyness in full daylight on a sunday.  oh, how i was wrong...

we met outside the predetermined icee place, and exchange a few, awkward greetings before heading inside.  after purchasing the watermelon icees (which were admittedly delicious), he suggested we go for a walk.  not two seconds after we set foot into the boiling lava hot sunlight, he tried to kiss me.  not a sweet kiss.  not a kiss on the cheek.  he was going in for a nasty smacker right on the piehole.  it happened in slow motion, and i swear i saw my life flash before my eyes.  i said, "i'm sorry.  this isn't going to work for me.  i forgot the thing... i have something... yeah.  i have to go home now."  i couldn't even make up an excuse.  but i did drink my watermelon icee on my walk home.

lesson for guys: buying a girl a watermelon icee does not mean she will put out for you.

'nuff said.

you look like you could use a hammer.

it's as unnatural as this strawberry.

a guy at work (we'll call him "toolbox") texted me, saying: "you need a hammer"?  i felt like i shouldn't respond, but couldn't resist.  "ummm... why?", i asked.  "no, i meant for work, do you need a hammer?".  i actually did, so i wrote back saying that i would definitely like one, if he was ordering.

the next day toolbox showed up with a hammer for me and a box of donut holes for one of the other girls in the office.  apparently, i look like a girl who could use a hammer.  other girls look like they could use delicious fried cake.

lesson for guys: no girl wants to feel like she looks like she "needs a hammer" more than delicious fried cake, smothered in sugar.

ding dong v. mr. smooth

le cafard looked around and saw ding dong near by.  midgie smalls, always intimidated and/or suspicious of other males in a 5 mile radius planned his moves carefully.  he snuck up behind me, and wrapped his arms around me in a giant bear hug, lifting me off the ground.

ding dong pouted and walked away.  i am now receiving the silent treatment from ding dong.

lesson for guys: do not take the actions of other annoying dudes out on the female receiver of those actions.

i'm just a helpful kind of girl.

today's fond memory from a few years ago is as strange as the photo above.  another acquaintance (referred to as "jerk mcgirk" hereafter) recently reunited with an ex, and made it very public knowledge.  we went on a few dates in the past, but it had been over for some time.  while preparing to write a stimulating lab report about fruit flies, he showed up at my apartment one night, saying he wanted to visit for a bit.  i had a very good and yet disturbing vision in my head of what his "visits" may possibly entail, and blocked the door with my arm.  "don't you have to go home to your girlfriend?", i asked.  jerk mcgirk got a sweet smile on his face and pitched his best line, which oozed like a pile of slimy okra.  "but baby... spending some time with you makes it easier for me to go home to her".  i'm taking donations of sympathy cards and flowers for the lucky girlfriend.

lesson for guys: girls don't usually like being the other woman, let alone the "few minutes" other woman.

nobody else likes you.

i have known someone (we'll call him "ding dong") for about a year.  background: ding dong considers himself to be a black belt in hitting on the womens.  a modern day casanova.  a black belt in making the ladies faint with ecstasy.  oh, and he's married with kids.  he waved me over, and i knew within seconds that today was finally my lucky day to be wooed by this sweet-talking panties melter.  "hey..." he said.  he licked his lips and nodded at me.  "so uh... me and the wife are talking about getting separated, so i'm practically single.  none of the other guys here think you're attractive, so... want to hang out sometime?  you can make me breakfast this weekend".

i had to brace myself to avoid swooning, and it wasn't because his sweet talk had swept me off my feet.  it was because i realized he wasn't kidding.  i waited at least a full minute with my mouth open, waiting for an explanation.  none came.  i finally said "i'm sorry... was that a compliment"?

"yeah.  i just wanted you to know i have no competition," said ding dong.

sigh.

lesson for guys: telling a girl that nobody thinks she's attractive is NOT a compliment.

hello.

have you ever experienced that awkward moment where you realize a guy has made an attempt at what he thinks is a compliment... but in actuality is horribly offensive?  or funny?  it seems i have more of these as i get older, and i've been collecting them.  this is my attempt at sharing them.  for women: humorous.  for men: hopefully educational.