don't let it happen to you!

to the ladies - i know that at times you may think that all of my brushes with near sweetness and romance may have made me bitter and jaded.  it would be easy for me to stop believing in love, or fate, or common sense... or testosterone.  or high iqs.  but have no fear!  i have not (totally) lost faith.  i consider it a challenge.  one day i will meet a man who is around my age, intelligent, sweet, funny, single, and stable.  perhaps i would have better luck trying to find mr. t riding a unicorn or catching kate moss gorging herself on caramel cadbury eggs.  or maybe even finding out that dick cheney has pictures of fuzzy, cuddly kittens hanging in his bathroom.  but i will not give up!  i will not become bitter!  i will DARE TO DREAM!  because we all know... a dream is a wish your heaaaaart maaaaaaaaaakes... when you're fast asleeeeeeeeeep... wish me luck though, because if i keep up with this hot streak that i'm on, i may end up like this lady.

i'm a loner, dottie. a rebel.

ladies: let's be honest.  we've all had someone at some point that offers advice about how we should look, act of speak.  how often has that "advice" been solicited?  in my universe, more often that not, the advice is not only unsolicited, it is unwanted, unwelcome, and unwarranted.  i don't even care if i'm being redundant and overusing commas, they all apply.  well-meaning boyfriends have sagely advised me that i'd be more feminine if i let my nails or hair grow longer, or wore work clothes (aka dresses) all the time.  even on weekends.  to watch sports.  guys who weren't boyfriends have also regaled me with heartening tips such as HOW to wear my hair, don't curse, wear heels more, laugh more quietly, get a more girly purse (i am not making this up).  well-meaning family have also made comments such as: "wow, really?  you're eating another banana?"  and  "you'd look so much nicer if you... (fill in a number of things here)".  really, people?  to everyone who has been through the same thing, i encourage you to tell your antagonist to "suck it".  be a rebel.  bite your nails while wearing a potato sack and creepers.  eat a deep-fried chocolate pudding pop while cursing like a trucker.  shave your head and become a garbageman.  whatever makes you happy?  go for it.

that makes me feel special.

my next adventure made me feel as special as receiving this cake would.  my next story is about a would be casanova (who will go by "rico suave" after this), who went to great lengths to make his womens feel special.  once, i was the lucky girl who was the focus of his attention.  his attention may have only lasted 15 or 20 minutes, but it will live in my memory forever.  rico suave was trying to convince me to spend some alone time with him before i went away for vacation. "but baby, i'll miss you... i love you..." his proclamations puzzled me since i knew he lived with his girlfriend.  when i asked him about his situation at home, rico suave had a quick comeback: "is that a problem?"  i responded that yes, in fact, that really didn't work for me.  he said: "i want you to meet her when you get back..." i racked my brain to try to figure out who he was talking about.  i asked: "who do you want me to meet?  your girlfriend?!" after he nodded to confirm, i wondered out loud, "um.  this may be a stupid question, but are you kidding?  somehow i don't think she'll want to meet me- does she know you consistently try to date me?"  rico suave said: "baby, it's okay.  i told her you were a lesbian".

lesson for guys: girls are not as stupid as you hope they are.  (this is an important one.  you may want to repeat it like a mantra.)

death, taxes, and...

it never fails... the things in life i can rely on include: death, taxes, and for the guys that hit on me to initially appear normal... only to find something horribly wrong on slightly closer inspection.

lesson for guys: don't wear anything that makes you look like one of evil santa's helpers.

paula deen is disgusting.

bonus link for people who dislike paula deen as much as i do:

http://www.theb9.com/topic/itt-paula-deen-riding-things-posted-on-theB9-board

reason #592 why i'm destined to become a cat lady.

ohhhhhh, facebook.  proving in brand NEW ways how stupid some people are.  i have a friend... we'll call this one "otto oblivious", who may have an addiction to facebook.  the guy continually updates facebook throughout the day, all day.  it's a wonder he's able to sleep, eat, work, etc.  i'm starting to wonder if he stops for the bathroom.  i digress... he went to great lengths to tell me how "special" i was to him on a number of occasions.  i was a little dubious, but took the compliment with as much grace as i could every time.  i finally logged into facebook for the first time in a while, and found that he had posted very similar messages to about 5 or 6 other girls.  and that?  is not so special.

lesson for guys: you can't make a girl feel special by treating her like everyone else.

that WOULD be sweet. if it weren't so creepy.

i remember fondly how awkward one guy from my past was when it came to trying to pay a compliment.  we'll call him "monsieur abrasive".  i got the impression that monsieur abrasive didn't pay a lot of compliments - he was more accustomed to being brutally honest.  he told me once that he liked me so much he wanted to "put me up high on a shelf and cover me so that nobody else could ever have me or talk to me".  ummmm... thanks.

lesson for guys: no girl wants to be trapped where she can't eat.  or pee.