if only i knew how to tuck and roll.

(image taken from www.wins.failblog.org)

ohhhhh ladies.  have you ever been in a car with someone.  more specifically in a car with a man.  perhaps one who you had only spent time with once or twice before.  and perhaps it occurred after a long dating dry spell?  and also perhaps you were somewhat excited about this one?

allow your mind to wander with me and picture the following... a dashing, young, seemingly intelligent chap with a gloriously sarcastic sense of humor has asked you out for the third time in about a week.  this time is different though.  this... is a sober date.  in the daytime.

being that it's early enough in the relationship for the lad to at least feign being a gentleman, he even opens the door for you when he arrives to pick you up.  he's brought you a coffee, prepared the way you take it.  the last two dates have involved a few beers, small talk, jokes, and pleasantries at a nice enough bar in a place convenient to both of you.  

maybe it's because you're still half asleep.  or maybe you didn't pick up on clues during the other two dates that perhaps... this one... was also... a miglet (man piglet).  in any case, his permanent place in the annals of man pigdom fame are forever cemented when he made his next move.  a smile crept across his face.  he gave you a sidelong glance to be sure you were paying attention.  with one hand on the steering wheel and another on his ipod, an expression of great focus manifests.  then the smile becomes immense, almost like a jack o' lantern.  he set the ipod down and took your hand in his.  and then the music started...

"face down, $!@ up, this is the way we like to @#$&".  oh dear.  times like these make you wish you knew how to tuck and roll.  instead of going hiking, you go home.  but you keep the coffee.  good for you.

lesson for guys: no lady wants to be wooed by nasty booty jams.  especially on the third date.  during the day.  with no alcohol.

lesson for ladies: always carry one of these until you're sure what you're dealing with.  and just in case, you may want to study this.

to everyone: ignore my inconsistent use of tenses.  if it bothers you, please follow the advice in the picture at the top of this blog.