cute-evil.

cute-evil.
not all cute things are good.

Saturday

bonus #2.

you will either find this hilarious or take it as proof that i need professional help.  i laughed so hard, i almost hurt myself: check it out

bonus.

why do we do this to ourselves?

sometimes i get frustrated, and start thinking EVERY guy is an ass.


ooooor maybe they're just all idiots.


then i get sad and overeat.


then i feel guilty and overexercise.


sometimes i think maybe i should get plastic surgery.


then i think... maybe i should pay attention to the signs around me.


and then i realize i'd be better off phoning a friend when i feel this way.


and maybe hanging this sign on my door as an added precaution.  i also plan to make myself one of thesesoon.

Monday

i don't know whether to punch him or me.

chitty chitty bang bang struck again today.  somehow i keep ending up trapped in a vehicle with this doofus.  and i STILL do not know how to tuck and roll, which would have come in handy since i was the passenger for once.  scanning through radio stations, my annoying friend stopped on that deep and cerebral song that includes the line: "apple bottom jeans"... which he started singing along to.  this was a painful experience alone, but then he decided to add frosting to the cupcake.  he dedicated the song.  to me.  he was lucky i didn't defenestrate him.  or do this.  i let that one slide, mostly because i was still half asleep.  besides, one hand was occupied with an enormous cup of coffee.  but later in the day, he slipped again.  this time, it was unforgivable.  my keys were making a jingling noise, and he compared me to a cow.  with a bell.  no woman in the history of women wants to be compared or even lumped in the same category as this.  or even this, for that matter.

lesson for guys: if i really have to tell you, you should probably move into a cave.  ready, set, go.

Friday

i want one with a "mute" button.

one of my coworkers (who i'll call "chatty chatty bang bang" going forward) talks too much.  he talks whether you respond or not.  about any topic that pops into his head.  there are no segue, no continuity, no moral, no beginning, middle, or end.  it's like hemingway meets joan rivers meets a drunk hobo.  i managed to tune out most of what he'd said one morning, but when he started talking about the topic of new apartments, i started to half listen.  i am looking for another apartment myself.  then he mentioned he was going to be getting two roommates.  then he started describing them in detail.  apparently one of them used to be thin, but had put on a lot of weight.  however, according to chatty chatty bang bang, the newly chubby roommate still wore his skinny clothes.  my thoughtful roommate proceeded to describe details about the roommate's figure so that i could picture its glory for myself.  he started by saying: "he's even got man boobs.  they're kind of big.  they're like... between yours and (insert female coworker's name here)".  

yikes.  i had to resist the urge to pull over, push him out, and proceed.  i decided that was probably against company policy, and once again found myself mourning the fact that i haven't mastered the tuck and roll.

guys: don't describe man boobs to a girl.  none of us want to picture that.  we also don't want you to openly acknowledge you've been ranking the tot size of your female coworkers.  yikes.

Sunday

if only i knew how to tuck and roll.

(image taken from www.wins.failblog.org)

ohhhhh ladies.  have you ever been in a car with someone.  more specifically in a car with a man.  perhaps one who you had only spent time with once or twice before.  and perhaps it occurred after a long dating dry spell?  and also perhaps you were somewhat excited about this one?

allow your mind to wander with me and picture the following... a dashing, young, seemingly intelligent chap with a gloriously sarcastic sense of humor has asked you out for the third time in about a week.  this time is different though.  this... is a sober date.  in the daytime.

being that it's early enough in the relationship for the lad to at least feign being a gentleman, he even opens the door for you when he arrives to pick you up.  he's brought you a coffee, prepared the way you take it.  the last two dates have involved a few beers, small talk, jokes, and pleasantries at a nice enough bar in a place convenient to both of you.  

maybe it's because you're still half asleep.  or maybe you didn't pick up on clues during the other two dates that perhaps... this one... was also... a miglet (man piglet).  in any case, his permanent place in the annals of man pigdom fame are forever cemented when he made his next move.  a smile crept across his face.  he gave you a sidelong glance to be sure you were paying attention.  with one hand on the steering wheel and another on his ipod, an expression of great focus manifests.  then the smile becomes immense, almost like a jack o' lantern.  he set the ipod down and took your hand in his.  and then the music started...

"face down, $!@ up, this is the way we like to @#$&".  oh dear.  times like these make you wish you knew how to tuck and roll.  instead of going hiking, you go home.  but you keep the coffee.  good for you.

lesson for guys: no lady wants to be wooed by nasty booty jams.  especially on the third date.  during the day.  with no alcohol.

lesson for ladies: always carry one of these until you're sure what you're dealing with.  and just in case, you may want to study this.

to everyone: ignore my inconsistent use of tenses.  if it bothers you, please follow the advice in the picture at the top of this blog.

Thursday

perhaps?

i've thought about it long and hard.  perhaps i'm being too tough on guys.  maybe i should just date the next guy that comes along.  even if it's this guy:


and then we'd have a terrific wedding:


maybe i should just make the best of a crappy situation?


even if it means choosing the lesser of 2 evils?


nahhhhhh.  forget that.  i'm holding out for a guy that amuses me at least half as much as this one:

Sunday

that certain "je ne sais quoi".

ohhhhh, brad.  i truly... do not... understand what makes guys think things are okay, or even a GOOD idea sometimes.  just think... somewhere in the back of their brains, there's a little voice going: "yeah, yeah, say that, she'll like it... go for it, it's okay..."  this approval system needs some tweaking.  i know there are many kinds of women out there, but some things are never a good idea, regardless of the brand of lady.  the same guys with these faulty approval systems are probably the same ones that came up with those heeled shoes with the weird ankle cuffs on them like these and movies like this or this.

side note: have you also noticed most guys are easily fooled?  a lot of them are goofy for women with a lot of makeup; they can't comprehend that she MAY not look like that the morning after.  i tried to warn a guy friend once about a girl who tweezed her eyebrows and drew them in.  he didn't listen.  i can still hear the shrill scream from miles away at the terror he woke up to.  the awful look of constant surprise that comes from having no eyebrows, like some sort of terrible circus clown.

back to my original point... back on the kissing noise thing.  a guy drives by and makes kissy noises out the window at me.  it's only guys of a certain persuasion that do this.  will someone please, please explain it to me?  does that mean he wants to kiss me?  is he trying to suck popcorn kernals out of his teeth, and happens to be doing it while looking in my direction?  is he trying to call me over, like a horse?  be the watson to my sherlock holmes, and i'll give the person who can explain this phenomenon a shiny penny or an all expense paid trip to their nearest grocery store.  help me out.    

lesson for guys: especially for those of you that are so smart - stop acting stupid.